It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Virtual World/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Noah Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Gozaburo Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Tea Gardner, Yugi Muto, Joey Wheeler, Melvin, Solomon Muto, Mai Valentine, Hans, Tristan Taylor Running Time: 14:41 Transcript (Standard flying cards opening) [[Yami Yugi|'YAMI']]: Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged: It's just like Code MENT, only worse! (Cut to locale from end of Episode 55) [[Noah Kaiba|'NOAH']]: Father! [[Seto Kaiba|'KAIBA']]: Gozaburo! [[Yami Yugi|'YAMI']]: A big giant head! [[Gozaburo Kaiba|'GOZABURO']]: You're all correct. KAIBA: How are you even here? GOZABURO: I hooked my brain into a supercomputer so that I could live forever! KAIBA: You plugged yourself into the virtual world using KaibaCorp's online network? GOZABURO: Yes, I will admit the connection can be a bit laggy, but it's usually— (freezes, loading icon appears) KAIBA: Father? Are you still there? GOZABURO: Right. Now prepare to— (freezes again) KAIBA: This is awkward. GOZABURO: Might be a bit laggy? Hello? Can you hear me? Agh. Goddamn Koreans always stealing my WiFi. NOAH: Father! I knew one day we'd be reunited! GOZABURO: Noah! You ungrateful little runt! Seven years and not a single Father's Day card! Or even a thank you note for keeping your soul inside a computer! NOAH: I thought you were dead! GOZABURO: And I thought you knew better than to play in the f***ing road. Who's the idiot now? KAIBA: Gozaburo! I don't care how powerful you are! I'm going to find you and prove that I am and always will be the only person worthy of the Kaiba name! [[Mokuba Kaiba|'MOKUBA']]: Um, big brother, I... KAIBA: I'm not finished. Then we're going to break out of this godforsaken virtual world storyline and get back to the plot that people actually care about! Any questions, you digital old fart? GOZABURO: Sorry, I was lagging through that whole speech. Could you go back? KAIBA: Ugh, I knew we should've upgraded from dial-up. (Title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! the cancelled series) (Cut to Noah leading Yugi, Kaiba, Téa, Mokuba, Duke, Joey and Serenity through a cave) NOAH: My father has betrayed me for the last time, so I'm going to help you all escape. [[Tea Gardner|'TÉA']]: Can we really trust this guy? [[Joey Wheeler|'JOEY']]: Who cares, so long as he gets us back to the real world, then we won't have anything left to worry about. (Cut to the airship/docking area) [[Yami Marik|'MELVIN']]: Well howdy-ho. Robots! You know what that means: I can be as hardcore as I want and it'll still be PG-13. He-he-heh, delicious ultraviolence! Melvin kills the robots with his Millenium Rod while singing to the Anvil Chorus, then laughs. MELVIN: Beep beep. (Cut back to Noah, in front of a large door) NOAH: All you need to do now is go through this door, and then you'll wake up in the real world! (Door opens, revealing a bright white light on the other side) TÉA: I don't know about this, you guys. Aah! (Cut to Domino High School; the audio and video quality lowers and everybody speaks more slowly; a DivX icon appears at the bottom right corner of the screen) [[Yugi Muto|'YUGI']]: Hey Joey! Earth to Joey! Hey, are you in there? It's your move! JOEY: Sorry, Yug. Doing this Brooklyn accent makes it difficult to concentrate on—wait a minute. Haven't we done all this before? TÉA: It does seem very familiar. YUGI: You're right, Joey. Look around. The acting and audio is terrible. And our mouths aren't even moving in time with our voices. We're back in the first episode! JOEY: Noah must have trapped us in our memories. YUGI: It looks like we're just going to have to keep repeating the same old jokes that everyone got sick of years ago until he sets us free. JOEY: Isn't that what we've been doing for the past 4 years? (rimshot) (Cut to Mokuba and Noah somewhere in a virtual city) MOKUBA: Where did everybody go? NOAH: Oh, they're um... they're hiding. MOKUBA: Hiding? NOAH: Yes, it's a surprise party. For you. MOKUBA: For me? NOAH: Because it's your birthday. Don't you remember? MOKUBA: Seto told me I don't have a birthday. He said I just kinda... happened, and he prefers not to call attention to it. NOAH: Look, do you want your presents or not? (They walk into the Big Wed arcade) MOKUBA: Oh boy, an arcade! I hope they have my favorite video game! Aww yeah, time for some Pharaoh Fighter! (He plays the Pharaoh Fighter game. The two fighters in the game resemble Bakura and Yami drawn in "Street Fighter" style, and are named Bacula and Yoogy, respectively. Background music is Guile's Theme) GAME VOICE: Round 1... FIGHT! YOOGY: Mind Crush! BACULA: Tea Attack! Tea Attack! YOOGY: Mind Crush! BACULA: Tea Attack! MOKUBA: This is the best birthday party ever! I can't wait 'till the others get here! NOAH: Oh, right, yes. The others. But remember, you have to act surprised. MOKUBA: Oh don't worry. My brother taught me everything he knows about faking positive emotions. NOAH: Surprise! (takes Mokuba's body) MOKUBA: Oh boy, I sure am surprised...!! (Cut to airship, where the other characters are unconscious in pods. Noah, in Mokuba's body, wakes up and emerges from his pod) NOAH: (in Mokuba's body, singing) Happy birthday dear Mokuba, happy birthday to me! (laughs evilly) Strange. Why do I suddenly feel like kidnapping myself? (Cut to Yugi and his friends at the game shop) YUGI: Hey Gramps, can we please see your awesome, chocolaty, fudge-coated, mega, super vagina? JOEY: Yug, why are you asking to see your grandpa's vagina? YUGI: Oh, my bad. I-I thought this was the vagina version of this episode. (Gramps holds up a censored card) [[Solomon Muto|'GRANDPA']]: Here it is, my vagina. (Yugi and the others stare awkwardly at the card) JOEY: Oh God. YUGI: Let's get out of here. (Cut to Noah in Mokuba's body walking down a corridor) NOAH (in Mokuba's body): Now to find the KaibaCorp satellite array and command it to fire at this facility, destroying everyone and everything inside it. All I need to do is type in the door code. (He types the password OPEN into the door, which opens) NOAH: Such a simple password. Seriously, you'd have to be a moron not to figure that out. I should be able to coordinate the missile launch from this console. Meanwhile, Yugi and his friends must be going crazy trying to find their way out of their own memories. (Cut to Joey and Mai on a beach with Melodies of Life playing in the background) [[Mai Valentine|'MAI']]: Hey Joey, I think we should settle down together, stop playing Duel Monsters, get married, and have amazing sex for the rest of our lives. What do you say? (music abruptly stops; needle scratching is heard) JOEY: Stop playing Duel Monsters?! What? You're talking crazy talk! Get away from me Mai, you she-witch! (Cut to Melvin in the satellite control room) MELVIN: And now it's time for the Melvin show! (sings) Well it's the Melvin show, Starring me, I'm Melvin! It's the Melvin show, And I murdered all my guests! Da da da da da! (stops singing) ("Lord of the Cards" is showing on one of the computer screens) MELVIN: Huh? What's this? Oh look, it's Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged. This episode has my favorite joke in it. Wait for it... (Episode 4 ending shows, with the line "new episodes every week") MELVIN: Ahahahaha! (Cut to Yugi, Joey, Téa, Serenity, Duke and Robot Monkey (Tristan) on the outskirts of a city) JOEY: (kicks a soda can) Take that, you lousy soda! Zero calories my ass! YUGI: Joey, please focus. TÉA: What should we do, Yugi? YUGI: I'll see what the Pharaoh has to say. He always has good advice. (Cut to inside of the Millennium Puzzle) YUGI: Pharaoh, we're in deep trouble. What should we do? YAMI: Have you tried playing a card game with someone? YUGI: Well, that doesn't... really apply to this situation. YAMI: Strange, that usually works. YUGI: Well, do you think you could try maybe thinking outside the pyramid on this one? YAMI: Very well. Have you tried collecting ten star chips? YUGI: That isn't gonna fix anything either! (Yami is now sitting in mid-air, legs crossed) YAMI: Do you think I look weird when I sit like this, Yugi? YUGI: What? YAMI: Like this. Do you think I look weird like this? I mean, I like sitting with my legs crossed, but I can't help thinking that I look a little too feminine. Is it... weird to cross your legs when you're a guy? YUGI: That's not really the issue here— YAMI: Can I help it if I have such long, womany legs? It's the cross I have to bear, Yugi. You wouldn't know, being so... short and all. YUGI: Okay, I think I'm just gonna leave the puzzle, O-OK? YAMI: Oooohhhh! These long, beautiful legs of mine! Ahhhh! (Cut back to previous location) YUGI: OK, I'm back. TÉA: What did the Pharaoh say? YUGI: Oh, he said to believe in the Heart of the Cards. You know, the usual. JOEY: Look out, Yug! We're being attacked by digital monsters! Motimon appears out of nowhere MOTIMON: Oh no! (Cut to Gozaburo's office) KAIBA: Gozaburo! GOZABURO: Seto! Where do you get off kicking down my door like that? KAIBA: Actually, I didn't kick it. I just looked at it and it opened for me. I'm Seto Kaiba, I can do that sort of thing. GOZABURO: You and I have some unfinished business, Seto. I brought you into this world, and now I'm going to take you out of it! KAIBA: You do remember adopting me, right? Noah is your biological child. GOZABURO: Already playing mind games, eh, Seto? You always were a chip off the old block. KAIBA: You're a buffoon. GOZABURO: I can make up words too, you know! (Cut to Mokuba possessed by Noah on the roof of the facility) NOAH: (in Mokuba's body) All I have to do now is fly away from here, and leave all this behind me. No more Virtual World, no more Seto, no more Father, the world is mine for the taking! I have... absolutely... no regrets about this...! None...! CAPTION: 3 seconds later... NOAH (in Mokuba's body) : What have I done?! I've made a terrible mistake! I only hope I still have time to fix what I've— (Noah runs the into control room. All the consoles have been destroyed.) MELVIN (on the main screen): Kill your family! Kill your family! Kill your family! Kill your family! Kill your family! (Melvin's voice continues in the background) NOAH (in Mokuba's body): No! But I don't want to kill my family anymore! This can't be happening! (Cut to Yugi, Téa, Serenity, Duke, Joey and Robot Monkey/Tristan) NOAH: (on the PA system) Attention everyone! This facility is about to be destroyed! You have to leave immediately! JOEY: It's Noah! That little creep! NOAH: I'm trying to save your lives! TEA: That bastard! Are there no depths he won't sink to? NOAH: I'm f**king helping you! YUGI: You guys get out of here, I'm gonna go rescue Kaiba! JOEY: Why? YUGI: Because at the end of the day, no matter what he says, Kaiba's our friend and we should— JOEY: You're just doing it so he'll owe you one, ain't ya? YUGI: Free limo rides for a month, sucka! (Cut to Kaiba and Gozaburo dueling) GOZABURO: Behold, Seto! The instrument of your destruction! KAIBA: Ahhh, Exodia! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to Summon him! Except for that one time. GOZABURO: Actually, this is Exodia Necross. KAIBA: Oh, OK. Ahhhh! Exodia Necross! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to summon him! GOZABURO: That's right, Seto. With this beast, I can defeat you, take your body and win back my company! KAIBA: Shut up, you old fossil. I may be in your world, but this is my game! You probably don't even know the rules! GOZABURO: Screw the rules, Seto; I have your money! KAIBA: Stealing my body is one thing, but my catchphrases too? GOZABURO: I'll be stealing a lot more than that when Exodia Necross is done with you! KAIBA: That monster is indeed powerful, but only a fool relies on a single monster to win! GOZABURO: This coming from the guy... who spends entire episodes... raving about the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. (Imitates phone ringing) Hello, this is Pot. Hi it's me, Kettle! Oh hi Kettle, what's going on? I'd just like to say that you're black. Well I'd like to say I've been f*cking your wife! Well, Well. KAIBA: What was that? Oh, I couldn't hear you over the sound of me owning your ass at card games! Reveal Soul Demolition! This card allows me to destroy any monsters in your Graveyard at the cost of 500 Life Points each! And I choose the 3 pieces of Exodia—Ahhh, Exodia! That's not possible! No one's ever been able to destroy him! GOZABURO: Are you okay? KAIBA: Uh... Yeah, I-I'm fine. Now, Blue-Eyes White Dragon, attack with White Lightn—OW! God, my hand! I don't think it's supposed to bend that way. How did I even do this? Ooooowch! (Blue-Eyes White Dragon attacks Exodia Necross, destroying it) GOZABURO: (turns into his monster form) You little runt! I'll destroy you! KAIBA: Okay, but could you get me some ice for my hand first? Ahhh... (Gozaburo attacks Kaiba) YUGI: Come on, Kaiba. The filler is almost over. We can still make it. GOZABURO: Seto! You turned Hobson against me! I'll never forgive you for that! KAIBA: Oh, there's no way we'll make that jump. YUGI: Kaiba, do you trust me? KAIBA: No. YUGI: Do you trust me? KAIBA: No! YUGI: Then juuuuuuuuump! (Kaiba and Yugi jump off the building; a giant hole opens up and they fall into it) YUGI: Oh thank god, a plot hole. I knew there'd be one around here somewhere. (Kaiba and Yugi wake up in their pods) KAIBA: Where the hell are we? YUGI: It looks like our real bodies were sleeping in here the whole time. Quick, you've got to wake up Mokuba so we can catch up with the others. (Mokuba is still asleep in his pod) KAIBA: Oh, sure. Mokuba. Mokuba, wake up. It's not working, Yugi. YUGI: Try doing it louder. KAIBA: Right. (Whispering) Mokuba. Nope, nothing. Guess we'll have to leave without him. YUGI: Would you just open his pod?! (Inside Mokuba's mind) MOKUBA: Noah, what's going on? NOAH: I have to leave, Mokuba. I'm going to redeem my character by saving you from the missile that's about to kill everyone. MOKUBA: You mean, the missile that you fired at us? NOAH: Yes. MOKUBA: The missile that wouldn't be threatening our lives right now if you weren't such a horrible person. NOAH: Yes. That missile. But it doesn't matter anymore, because I'm going to save you all and die a hero. MOKUBA: A hero that tried to kill us! NOAH: Mokuba, what do you want me to say!? I'm sorry! MOKUBA: Oh, you're sorry for firing a nuclear strike at us? NOAH: I was in a... very bad mood at the time. MOKUBA: Oh, well, I guess that makes everything okay! NOAH: Is that sarcasm? MOKUBA: Yeah, I learned it from my brother. You know, the one who doesn't fire nuclear missiles at me. (Cut to exterior of the facility with Cool the Engines playing in the background) YUGI: Wait, stop the blimp! You left some main characters back here! [[Duke Devlin|'DUKE']]: Throw me the kid! MOKUBA: Bro, carry me! KAIBA: If you insist. (picks up Mokuba and throws him at Duke) MOKUBA: Wait, no, I changed my mind, I—aaaah!! (lands on Duke) DUKE: Ow, my mojo! JOEY: (grabs Yugi) Nyeh, Brooklyn rescue! GOZABURO: If you think you can escape, Seto, think again! I can leave this place with merely a thought! NOAH: I won't let you. GOZABURO: What? Who the devil are you? NOAH: I'm your son. Your real son. And I'm the last thing you'll ever see. GOZABURO: I'm still blankin' on a name here... NOAH: Noah. My name is Noah. GOZABURO: Wait, no, stop! (An avatar of Noah appears on Gozaburo's shoulder and hugs him) NOAH: Don't worry father. Now we can be together for all time. Also, for some reason, I'm naked. GOZABURO: Oh, god, I can feel it on my back. (The island, including Gozaburo and Noah, is quickly engulfed in an explosion) (Cut to the blimp) HANS: Herr Kaiba, the explosion is trying to eat us! KAIBA: Ahhh! Explodia! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to escape him! Activate turbo boost, now! (smashes his fist into the glass to hit the button underneath) Ahhh! My hand again! That was my Blue-Eyes summoning hand! Damn you, Explodiaaaaaa! (The blimp outruns the explosion and flies higher) (Cut to the blimp deck) KAIBA: Well, I guess that's the last we'll see of 4Kids. (Gary Jules' "Mad World" begins to play) YUGI: It's weird. I'm actually kind of sad to see them go. KAIBA: Yeah, after all, they did provide us with hours of entertainment. So what if they censored a few things? They were just doing their job. YUGI: And without them, we wouldn't have Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged. So from now on, let's remember them as the guys who gave us fond childhood memories—and unfortunately, the One Piece theme song. MOKUBA: Good night sweet dubbing company. And a flight of Winged Kuribohs sing thee to thy rest. YUGI: Oh hey, Tristan's back! What was the afterlife like, Tristan? TRISTAN: I was turned into a robot monkey! I got better. (fades to black) (A logo appears: Yu-Gi-Oh! the '''renewed' series'') CAPTION: to kirbopher and antfish for playing noah and gozaburo (Stinger) (In Marik's tomb, with Odion standing over Marik, holding a dagger) ODION (in Samuel L. Jackson's voice): The cats nestle close to their kittens. The lambs have laid down with the sheep. You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear. Please, go the f**k to sleep. (Post-ending: On the blimp) YUGI: I sure am glad that's over with. Turns out Noah wasn't such a bad guy after all, despite all the attempted murder, I mean. JOEY: Yeah, and since our show's been renewed, we got nothing to worry about anymore! YUGI: I guess all's well that ends well! MELVIN: Yaaay! Once again, friendship saves the day! I love it when that happens! This calls for a group hug! Group hug, everyone! (cut to Joey, looking repulsed) MELVIN: Come on, get in on this! Group hu-ug! (cut to Yugi) MELVIN: Let me squeeze your bodies together. Promise I won't try to asphyxiate you this time! (Cut to Tristan, looking horrified with both hands over his mouth) MELVIN: What, don't you guys like hugs? Perfectly good hug you're passing on here. (Cuts to Kaiba, looking annoyed) MELVIN: Well OK, but don't expect me to offer another hug anytime soon. Hah, I'm just kidding. I'll hug you while you're asleep! (Bloopers: audio only) KAIBA: You mean to say you you plugged yourself into the Digital World using Kai— Digital world? That's not right, that's a different show altogether! MOKUBA: Oh, don't worry, my brother taught me everything he knows about— F*ck. What? [[Seto Kaiba vs. The World|No, he didn't teach me that! No!]] 3x10